imobalove

Fuck: VI (hidden footage)

You start a kettle of warm water on the stove for tea. You cut the stove on, then pour yourself a glass of wine.

“Drinking?”

“Yes.”

“Why?…”

“Dauhd, let’s just talk okay. I am drinking, sometimes I drink. Sometimes you drink! We-“

“Stop. Lana. It’s okay, okay? I just want you to stop drinking. Just stop—“

A knock at the door snatches my next few words from my mouth.

“Yo!” I head for the door and open it.

Right.

It is Monica.
I slam the door behind me stepping out into the dim sunlight and brisk air of that Fall evening.

”Hi. I was going to call You—“

”Dauhd. Are you serious? So you left my crib, to come here and play…what? House?”

”Okay. Okay. Just listen for a minute please? You cannot be here right now. Alright? Is everything cool?”

”Um, no. I lost my job the night you left. I blew off a shift—“

”You can just stop right now, okay? I did not ask you to blow off work. If you need an interview or something I can see what I can do about something local, part time. But you literally cannot be here right now…so—“

”Why not?”

I look into Monica’s eyes and try not see the strained look of emotion.

“Look do not be mad…”

”Dauhd…”

”Something bad happened to Villana. I am taking care of Her,” I explain.

”Look I never needed your help. You can keep Your job offer. Have fun babysitting.”

”Look I will email you the files. Plenty of companies You qualify for. If you want them, they are Yours. If not, delete them. We can talk later.”

”Or not.”

I watch gently as Monica speeds off, tires screeching against the asphalt.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, I think aloud. I knew this whole thing with Villana would change me as a person, but never to this extent. I had known Monica for years, and for a second there was even a ring of sadness in my heart for blowing her off. But Lana was important. I needed to be there. She wants me there.

I spend fifteen minutes breathing and convincing myself that I am not some player or some narcissist. This all felt too familiar. A part of me wanted to believe that this relationship, this connection with Lana was healthy. New. Hip, but healthy. Love? Commitment? I felt like a fraud. A nobody for hurting Monica. I just, could not pass up an opportunity to help Villana. To be her rock. To protect Her.

I continued breathing. Panting even. Excitement rose in my chest for the following days. A decision of normalcy plagued me. Usually I would write this all down, turn into some theme for a song. Right now, it all felt surreal: Monica, what happened to Villana, and my duty to protect them both from my own inhibitions.

sex.

I have been f*cking this white man.

he does all the right things to me, says things very plain, very blatant. What am I going to do? Make love to him every chance I get? No. But I hope so.
his c*ck is so hard all the time it makes me feel like a whore that I want him so bad. I want to examine his face, his features while he rocks my world, fingers me, exhilarates me.
All day he was staring at me,

literally making me come it was exhausting. I tried to look away from him because his broken heart made me cry inside. We had a dinner date instead, we ate in silence, kind of. We touched each other in the restaurant and had sex upstairs in the hotel room. There was a wedding reception happening in the grand ball room down stairs and we could both feel the vibration of the music through the ceiling; he kept f*cking me.

It was the best-most, worst thing. Mainly because no one knows about it: not the heartbroken women or the side hoes, not even me. I cannot remember every detail off the top of my head, but it was very magical. Very mystical. We did magic-mushrooms in my Honda Civic while he made me moan. Touching me through my panties, and feeling the imprint of my vulva on his thumb.
he took me shopping all day and bought me a pear necklace. I could already imagine myself handing it down generation after generation to happy princesses, while the King still pounds me out after supper. I smiled for what seemed like twenty four hours in the abrasive sun. I wanted to keep shopping with him, just so he could touch in line, or brush his lips against my neck while I pretend: pretend I am not in love with him, pretend I am squeezing my life into this thighs & he never let me go. We meant to sleep in the car, but did not.

-Jude.

Fuck: X

I gently wash your body as you soak in the tub. Your eyes are closed. Epson salt is dissolved in the water to relax your muscles. An incense breathes smoke into the bathroom that sways around you and I. With the intention of your healing, I kiss your cheek and your chin, then your forehead. I kiss both your eyes where the skin is purple and bruised.

You tremble and the water vibrates.

“Lana, how are you feeling?”

“Better now that I am with you.”

You place a warm, wet palm on my cheek and flutter open your swollen eyes to look into mine. I kiss the inside of your hand, and choke back tears.

“I won’t let anybody hurt you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“It’s not your fault, Dauhd. It’s mine. I don’t even know what I saw in him. I’m—wait, what’s that on your neck?”

“Huh?”

“Your neck, Dauhd. What is that?”

I stand up and wearily walk over to the mirror completely sure of what I’m about to see. Images of Monica sucking on my neck flash through my mind. My reflection reveals the hickey. I exhale and turn away from the sink to look at you.

Wincing in pain, You step out of the tub and wrap my olive green bath towel around your body. You sit on the toilet and cross your legs.

“Dauhd. What’s going on?”

“Lana. Baby. It’s 6:50 a.m,” I say looking at my watch, “Please. Don’t do this right now. You know what it is.”

“I don’t care what time it is. How could you?”

“Lana, do you want me to help you lotionize so you can get dressed and lay down. You need to rest your body. Just let me take care of you.”

“I don’t want you touching me. Who is she?”

I kneel down on the tile in front you. I look up into your dilated pupils.

“Look. I was with somebody when you called me. I’m sorry. I had sex with her.”

“What!”

“Villana. Stop. Okay? Stop. Either you want to be here with me or you don’t. It’s you and me right now. Forget about her, okay? I was only with her cause I couldn’t stop thinking about you. There. Okay? She doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“Then why did you have sex with her?”

“I don’t know, baby,” I say quietly hanging my head.

“Do you love her—“

“No.”

“Why did you have sex with her, Dauhd?”

“Lana. I don’t. Know.”

You wrap your hands around my cheeks and pull my face up to look at you.

“Dauhd…what is going on?”

“I been having sex with different women.”

“When?”

“Usually when I’m not with you.”

“You spend nights with them?”

“No. It’s not like that. I just…I’m jealous, Villana. I’m just jealous of these men that get to have you. I feel inferior. That I can’t pleasure you…”

“Dauhd, my sex addiction has nothing to do with you. Nothing, okay? Are you dating these women?”

“It’s not like that…I mean…”

“Dauhd!”

“Yes. There’s one woman. We go out sometimes to dinner or for drinks or…whatever.”

“Where do you get the money?”

“She usually pays. She’s a lot older than me.”

“And then…you fuck her.”

“…yeah.”

“Huh. Well, damn. This is good to know.”

“Villana, I just want to hold you. You been through a lot tonight, don’t hold this against me. We both have shadows.”

“Dauhd. You’re not even like that. You don’t even drink.”

“I know. I know.”

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t know. This is hard for me.”

You get up and leave the bathroom. I follow you and try to get you to talk to me but you ignore me and put on one of my shirts and curl up under the covers of my thrifted king bed. I slither out of my clothes and slide in behind you, but keep my distance. I cut the light out and we both fall asleep within minutes.

The next day, you spring up in the bed.

“I got it!” You declare.

I open one eye, “You got what?”

“I should meet these women. It can be a thing: you, me, these women. We can all do stuff.”

“Do you want breakfast? I have pancakes.”

There’s a knock on the door.

“Yo, D. You in there?”

“Hold up!”

I slide on a pair of boxers and open the door. One of my housemates, Kevin, stands leaning against the post with a phone to his ear and a 5 o’clock shadow.

“What’s up, man?” We dap each-other five, and I yawn.

“Aye, bro, cover that up,” He says inching backward a bit.

I cover my mouth with my hand, “My bad, man. You alright?”

“Yeah, man, where you been?”

“Long night, dude.”

He glances past me into the darkened room, curtains still drawn, and notices Villana.

He nods with a silent, “whose that?” in her direction.

I shake my head.

He nods, immediately understanding that something about the situation is complex.

“Well, I was coming to get you cause Sal is having one of his music competitions tonight at the Bar and Grill. He just announced it earlier today. $500, winning prize, man. You should perform, that’s easy money for you.”

“Yeah? What time?”

“Seven-thirty, man. Get up. Wash ya ass. Meet me down there this evening. You been waiting for a break, don’t pass this up. I heard some producers will be down there, too, looking for some artists. So wassup?”

“Let me check my to do list. I got to—“

“Aye hey aye. Listen. You got one shot at this, alright? You ain’t getting no younger. I expect to see you, man. You been working on that music from time. Let people hear you.”

“Alright, brother. Say no more,” I clench my fist and give him the power sign, “thank you.”

He returns the power sign, “Yeah.”

I start to shut the door, but Kevin blocks it with his steel toe.

“Aye, man.”

“What?” I say.

“Be careful.”

I nod, knowingly then shut the door.

“So…you gonna perform?”

I climb back into the bed and start doing some deep breaths, “Yeah. Looks like it.”

“That’s cool. Should I come?”

“Lana, I don’t want anybody to see you like that.”

“Nothing a little makeup can’t fix.”

“How long you been hiding marks from me, huh?”

“Longer than you can imagine.”

You hop up, and then are completely blindsided by the pain of your body.

“Oooo. Shit. This is going to take a while to heal,” you say flopping back into the bed, “I gotta pee.”

“Here, let me help you.”

I hold your waist as you slowly inch into the bathroom. I help you sit down and provide a crutch for you with my body as you wash your hands.

“Thank you,” you say as I help you lay back down.

“No problem, baby. You mad at me?”

“Yeah.”

“For how long?”

“Until you fuck me and make it better.”

“Lana…cmon. I don’t think we need to be having sex.”

“Why?”

“Why?”

“I mean, I know what I said, but I don’t want any other woman pleasuring you.”

“Lana, I really got to focus for tonight okay. Just try to relax, I’ll cook you some food.”

I go into the bathroom and scrub the blood in the tub from your bath and wipe away the incent ashes. I drop my underwear to the floor and cut on the shower, letting the cool water cleanse the energy of my body from the previous night.

After my shower, I get dressed into a faded blue sweat suit, then go into the kitchen. Before I cook, I wash some of the dishes left by my housemates. Afterward, I prepare you blueberry pancakes and two fried eggs.

I bring the plate over to you, “Sorry it’s not much. It’s all I had.”

“It’s perfect. You’re perfect. I’m sorry I’m being hard on you. I’m not mad, I’m just being an asshole.”

“Try to eat, okay?”

“Dauhd, I’m not mad—“

“Just try to eat.”

I turn away from you and pick up my guitar from it’s stand in the corner of the room and sit crosslegged on the floor. I tune the strings. I struggle with one of the strings, closing my eyes and clenching my jaw to try to hear the right pitch.

“Here, let me see,” you say.

I carefully hand the guitar over to you and you tune the string perfectly within minutes.

“There.”

“Thank you.”

“Yep…you sound great, Dauhd. Win that thing tonight. You deserve it. We all do. We been watching you work for so long.”

“There’s no time limit on this, you know?”

“I get that.”

“Yeah…”

I start to play one of my songs, channeling my emotions as my fingers pluck the strings. Softly, I begin to hum the tune that goes with the notes. I feel a little nervous to sing in front of you, but I try to push through it. You eat slowly and watch me play. My phone rings.

“Yo, hello?”

“Big brother, Dauhd! I heard you performing tonight. You right on time, I got five hundo for the prize winna.”

“Hey, Sal. Yeah, I’m into it. I’ll see you tonight man.”

“You don’t sound like a man that’s about to come up on some money and possibly a record deal. What’s your dilemma?”

I glance over at you before going into the bathroom to finish the conversation.

“It’s a girl man. I think I’m in trouble.”

“Lady friend got too deep, huh?”

“Way too deep. I think I love her. I know I love her. She loves somebody else or at least she’s supposed to be marrying the guy.”

“That’s tough, playa. But look here: ain’t no woman gonna be able to tell you who you are. Only you can do that, ya hear?”

“I hear you. Thank you, Sal.”

“Get that guitar ready for tonight.”

“I’m on it.”

“Over and out!”

I chuckle, “Peace, man.”

I come back into the room and pull my clothing trunk from under my bed. I pull out the one suit I have for special occasions: A gray Armani, handed down to me by grandad before he passed. I wipe the dust off the shoulder before hanging it on the bathroom door. I run the shower on hot to let the steam iron out the wrinkles.

“So, what should I wear tonight?”

“You’ll look great in whatever you wear.”

Fuck: IX

“Ay You fucking me good, papí”

“Sí, te gusta? You so goddamn sexy.”

“Ay, hit that spot. Fuck yeah. Ooo fuck yeah.”

My phone rings, and we both halt. You turn to look at me and spank your butt cheek a little.

“You not gonna answer that, are you?”

“Hold on, mama.”

I slide my strap out of your pussy and rush over to grab my phone hidden under my pile of clothes on the floor.

“Yo,” I say into the mic.

“Dauhd…”

“Lana? What’s wrong?”

“Tyson…he hit me…”

“What?!”

“I’m sorry—“

“Where are you?”

“I don’t know…I ran. I’m barefoot on a side road.”

“Stay where you are. I’m coming right now. Shit. I’ll call you right back okay? I love you, just wait for me.”

I hang up the phone and scramble to pull off my strap and get my clothes on. You light a cigarette.

“That little ass girl always crying about some shit,” you chuckle.

“Watch your mouth.”

“So you gone stop fucking me to go save a bitch that can’t even commit to you or admit she gay? Dauhd, get the fuck out.”

“Gadly.”

I slam the front door shut and jog to my car in Monica’s driveway. I dial seven digits once I am in the driver’s seat.

“Lana. It’s me, baby. Where are you? What’s around you?”

“Um. Uh, a gas station with green lights. Um. That’s it, Dauhd, that’s it.”

“Is it the Lenpro gas station?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s it!”

“Okay, alright. I’m coming. I’m coming right now. You want to stay on the phone with me?”

“Yeah…”

“What happened, baby?”

“I don’t know. He was angry. He could smell your scent on me. Your cologne. And he wanted to know where I been, who I been with. I told him I was leaving him and he choked me and punched me and—“

“What! Lana, what the fuck! Are you bleeding?”

“Yeah…”

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I should have never brought you there. I’m so sorry. Look, you can stay with me. I’ll run a bath for you and massage your feet. I’ll take care of you, okay? You don’t have to go back.”

“Dauhd, I love you. I can’t stay with you. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“I aint gone hurt you, Villana. You know me. It’s your choice, but you know me.”

“I know…I’m just so fucked up right now.”

“I know. It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. I’m here with you, okay? I’m here. I’m here, Lana. Turn around.”

I jump out of the car and run over to you. I survey your bloodied face and both your black eyes. I’m not sure if I should touch you or not.

“Lana…”

“I know…its bad.”

You collapse into my arms and I hug you with all my might.

“It’s okay. He ain’t gone get away with this,” I whisper in your ear.

I hold your hand and lead you to my car and gently lay you down in the back seat.

I drive to my condo with fume releasing from my ears and I listen to you snore quietly behind me.

Fuck: VIII

We ride down the empty street and rain begins to patter on the hood. Silence fills the space of the car, and you run your hand up and down my thigh. Something in me tingles to the sensation of your touch.

“You hungry?” I ask.

“Starving.”

“What do you want? I don’t know whats open, but…”

“A burger. Oh my god, a burger,” you moan and rest your head back against the seat. You grip my thigh firmly as I make a U-turn toward the only spot I know that has the best burgers and fries at this time of night.

We pull into the diner and you link your arm into mine as we walk in. All at once I notice your drunken sway and I smell alcohol on your body that I didn’t notice before. I am baffled and shaken inside, but determined to help you.

We sit down and both order double cheeseburgers and steak fries. You eat your burger with mayonnaise and I eat mine with mustard, ketchup, and pickles. I order a beer, but dare not to actually drink it. You order ice water and we hold each other’s hand across the sticky table under the dim lighting. We talk about music and romance; how we want to make love on the beach and have breakfast underneath a sunset. I stare into your eyes as you smile and tell me about one of your political science classes. You shake your head as you explain that your professor unrightfully gave you a C- on an essay you spent two weeks writing. I kiss your fingers and offer to edit your next essay. You agree and yawn. I pay our tab and we ride the rest of the way to your place inside the saxophone of a new jazz artist I’m into.

When we pull up to your place, I cut the music off and park the car.

“You gonna be okay?”

“I think so. Thank you, Dauhd. For being you. For accepting me.”

“Aint no thing, woman,” I smile and look over at you, “Just assure me that you aren’t fucking that guy up there.”

You pull your keys out of your purse and lean over to grace me with a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

“I don’t let him touch me. And as soon as the semester is over, I’m moving out. I’m calling off this stupid wedding as soon as possible.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. Try not to have too much fun without me, okay?”

“Hey. Be careful. Call me.”

“I will. Bye.”

“Bye.”

You stumble out of the car and I watch you until you ascend up the flight of steps leading to the three bedroom apartment that you share with a man whom I have never met. A man who has placed a diamond rock on your finger which I could never afford.

Once you disappear, I pull out my phone, flip it up and dial the only number that makes sense to me right now.

“Hey, Monica.”

“Hey, D. You good?”

“No. Not really. You tryna fuck me?”

“Weird timing, but hell yeah. Where you at?”

“I’m twenty minutes from you, downtown.”

“Well let me go shower then. I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

“Alright, sexy. I’ll see you soon.”

“Alright, daddy.”

Fuck: VII

“Then tell me the truth,” I sit up in the bed and cross my legs, “How many men are you fucking, huh?”

“Why? It’s not important.”

“It is important. Why won’t you tell me?”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” You sit up also and climb into my lap, wrapping your arms around my neck, and holding me close to your heart.

I respond with my arms around your waist, “This hurts me, Villana. It already hurts. Tell me, please just tell me. How many is it?”

“I don’t know. A lot.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“So why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?”

“Because I actually like you!” You jump up and storm across the room to the window and peer through the curtain, “I fucking like you. I want more. I’m discovering myself. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose you. You are different. Kind. Sweet. Real. You’re real. Understand?”

“Do you understand? I have fucking feelings.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Villana. Just tell me the truth…how many…is it?”

“Ten.”

“Jesus.”

“See! You’re judging me!”

“I’m not judging you. I don’t care. But…I love you. I cant even think about another making love to you.”

You turn to face me. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and glare at your silhouette.

“I don’t make love to them. I just let them fuck me.”

“Stop.”

“And maybe I suck their dicks sometimes.”

“Stop it!”

“And I like it in the ass.”

“Will you stop it.”

“You said you wanted to know. So there it is. All my dirty laundry, Dauhd.”

I sigh. I walk over to you and stand inches away from your face.

“How can you tell me you love me,” I whisper, “When you share yourself with so many. People who don’t matter. You’re getting married next month. When you gonna call it off?”

“I’ll do it now. I’ll call him and do it now.”

“Then what?”

You stare into my eyes as though I just slapped you in the face.

“I don’t know. We can be together.”

“I don’t want to be with you, Villana, now that I know this.”

“See that’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”

“You didn’t want to tell me the truth?”

“You tell me the truth. How many women have you been with?”

“In my lifetime?”

“In the past two months, Dauhd!”

“Stop yelling at me.”

“Tell me!”

“Tell you what!”

“How. Many. Women. Have. You. Been. With,” you muffle through clenched teeth.

“Several, Villana, because am I supposed to wait around for ten men to gets their nuts off?”

“Fuck you, Dauhd.”

“Fuck me, Lana, cause that’s the only thing you ever want to do.”

“I’m leaving.”

I watch silently as you spin around the room gathering your belongings and stuffing them in your duffle bag. You start toward the bathroom, but the darkness reveals an item on the floor that causes you to slip and fall. I run over to you as your body hits the floor. You break out into a sob, curling yourself up into a fetal position.

I put my arms around you and hug you tight.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, “I shouldn’t have asked, “Where are you going to go? It’s 2:00 a.m.”

“Away from you,” you say between whimpers.

“Please. Don’t go. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Shutup, Dauhd.”

“I’m serious. I’m sorry. Please. Come lay with me. At least let me make love to you before you go.”

I scoop you up and carry you to the bed. I lay you down gently and begin to kiss all the tender spots of your body: your cheeks…your chin…your neck…your chest…your abdomen…

I see your body start to relax and moans escape from your lips. You massage my shaven head as I kiss you.

“You’re right,” you state quietly.

I stop and look up at you, “What?”

“You’re right. It’s disgusting that I’m fucking that many men. You don’t deserve that.”

I crawl up next to you and slide my arms around your body and pull you close to me. Our breathing is in-synch. I can feel your heart beat on my chest. Silence embodies our auras in the dark room. The crickets harmonize outside the window. A couple down the hall argues and a baby wails.

“Villana, should I get tested?”

“Yeah…”

“Are you protecting yourself?”

“I don’t know. I been drinking a lot,” you sniff and wipe your eyes with the palm of your hand, “I been drunk Dauhd, I don’t remember.”

“Lana…”

“I’m sorry. I wish I could stop, but…I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know—I—“

“How long you been drinking again?”

“Maybe six months…” your voice trails.

“Are you drunk now.”

You begin sobbing again. I tighten my hold on you. Your tears run down my skin and your shoulders heave.

“Just tell me. This is our life, right? Are you drunk?” I demand your gaze with my own, “Tell me, baby. I’m not mad. I’m worried about you.”

“I’m drunk, Dauhd. I’m always drunk. I’m so stressed! School is fucking killing me! Work is stringing me by the throat! I’m always drun—“

“Alright…alright. It’s okay. Okay? It’s okay. I love you. It’s okay.

I hold you and time passes as you weep in my arms. I close my eyes and listen to your breath. I rub your back and kiss the top of your head over and over.

Once your emotions start to slow I say, “Let me take you home so you can rest.”

“He’s there.”

“I know, but you need to sleep it off and take care of yourself. Okay…?”

“Okay.”

“May the winter come. Let it be cold and real.”

Fuck: VI

We both lay on our back, breathing heavily and staring up at the ceiling. A roach scatters across and we both chuckle.

“I’ll have some money in a few days. I’ll get us some place better to stay,” I say with a yawn. I turn my back to you and you cuddle up close to me. You place gentle kisses on my shoulders. And slide your hand up and down my arm slowly.

“I just want to be with you,” you whisper, “I don’t care where we stay.”

“Yeah, but you don’t deserve this. I want better for you, for us. I’m serious about you…you know that?”

“Are you?”

“Yes, woman. I care about you.” I reach over onto the night stand and cut the lamp off. I turn to face you.

“I care about you, too. Deeply. And honestly, I don’t want to have sex anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just want more for myself. I want a relationship. A real one. Not just sex, even though the sex is amazing with you. I want you to be my man and protect me.”

“You know I’ll always protect you.”

“Do you want to be with me?”

“Of course. I just don’t know if I’m good enough for you, I don’t have much…I mean look where we are.”

“Listen. I don’t care. I love you. I know you are smart and you will manifest everything you are working towards. I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait with you. Grad school is kicking my ass, but after I graduate I can’t just be a booty call with a degree—“

“Hey. You ain’t a booty call to me. It isn’t just about sex. Listen, I love making love to you, but if you want more I’ll try and give it to you.”

“I want you to want it.”

“I don’t know what I want. I know I want you, but life is hard for me. We’re very different in that sense.”

“I know.”

We kiss for a few moments. Our lips brushing against the other’s.

“I don’t have anything fancy, baby. I just…want to make sure that I can provide a life for you, for us that we actually want to live.”

“I don’t need all that stuff. This life is our life, together.”

“So what are you telling me?”

“I’m yours. I’m committed to you.”

The moonlight reflects into the room through the window curtain and glimmers the moisture in your eyes.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because. I can tell you want something else.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Tell me you are in love with me,” we kiss, “tell me you want to marry me.”

“I’m in love with you. If I had everything figured out I would marry you. But what about the other guys. And your fiancé?”

“What about them?”

“I want you to be mine. If you want me then it’s only me. Look, I don’t care if you want to get fucked by another man, but you’re my woman. I don’t want you in no relationship with somebody else.”

“I know…I’m sorry. I’ll need time with that. I have a life outside of us too. And I have to transition out of that. I don’t know how. I don’t know how…I thought—“

“Listen. Look at me.”

Our eyes meet into the solace of the darkness and your breath quivers.

“I’m not doing this with you,” I whisper, I don’t want to wait anymore. How do you think I feel that we have to sneak around like this?”

“We’re not sneaking—“

“Then take me to your place. Let me meet him.”

“No. Please, just—“

“No. Don’t tell me these things when you don’t mean it.”

“I do mean it. I do mea—“

“What do you want.”

“You. Only you.”

“May the trees bring light. Bring life.”

Fuck: V

“Yes. Love.”

You pull your hands from mine and get up to go to the bathroom. I listen to the stream of release, then the toilet flush. You wash your hands quickly, shaking them dry.

“You know, I don’t know if I feel that way,” I say hesitantly.

“You don’t love me?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think about it.”

“Well then think about it.”

I light a cigarette.

You flop onto the bed and lay with your back to me. I offer you the cigarette, reaching around you. You push my hand away with a swift motion.

“You know you love me,” you say briskly.

“How do you figure that?”

“The way you look at me.”

“How do I look at you?”

“Like you love me.”

I take a drag and exhale.

“Love is weird.” I put out the cigarette against the dusty wood on the night stand that is posted next to the bed.

“You’re weird. Weird for pretending you don’t love me.”

I cuddle up behind you and wrap my arm around you, cupping your breasts in my hands.

You lean your head back against my chest and angle your chin upward so I can kiss you. The crickets seem to sing in hush tones as we make out.

“Slide your finger in me,” you say. You kiss me long and hard as I do what you want.

I finger you with tender strokes until I feel your pussy start to squeeze and clench.

“You gonna come for me,” I growl.

“Mmm yeah,” you moan softly.

I grind my pelvis into your butt cheeks and I can feel the sensation on my clit. You lift your leg and wrap it backward around me.

“You want two?”

“Yes…fu—yess.”

I slide my ring finger inside of you as well and start to fuck you harder.

“I do love you.”

“I know.” Your eyes are closed and I can tell the pleasure is zoning you out.

“I love you a lot. More than any woman I have ever met.”

You giggle, “Is my pussy that good?”

“You damn right. But I’m serious.”

I slow my pace inside of you and maneuver myself between your legs. Our pussies slip up against each other. You moan and squeeze both your palms around my butt cheeks to pull me into a position you like.

“Mmm…yes.” Your eyes roll back and you bite your bottom lip.

I thrust my clit upon yours with just enough pressure to stimulate the spot I know you like. My mind goes blank and all I can feel is you. I can feel your fluids dribbling out of you and I slide quickly with circular motions. I flow into a steady rhythm and moans start to escape my mouth before I can consent to their arrival. You smile and hold me tight around my back side.

“Ugh…my god,” I breathe deeply and gaze into your eyes, “I’m going to come.”

“Me too.”

For a few moments our breathing is the only thing circulating the energy in the room. I cry out in a pleasure that I have only experienced a few times in my life. You grip onto me as you come and I grip onto you as well, wrapping my fingers around your neck. I clench your neck at the amount I know you like and you moan in a way I haven’t heard from you in a while…since we first started having sex two years ago.

Fuck: IV

“I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“Are you uncomfortable?” You ask, sitting up.

I scoot towards the headboard and close my legs. “Yeah.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t know…dysphoria I guess.”

You come sit beside me at the head of the bed. Silence passes us and I put my face in my hands, covering my eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” I reply with a quick shake of my head.

You sigh and put your head on my shoulder.

“You never want to talk about it. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable during sex or any other time.”

“I know…it’s just. It’s not you. I love having sex with you and being with you. I just wish I could give you more.” I feel tears welling in my eyes and I blink them away.

“More what?” You turn to look at me.

We turn, our bodies to face eachother and you take my hands in yours.

“More what…?” you ask again.

“I don’t know, I wish I could be inside of you…with a penis…you know?”

“I get it. So is having sex with me too much for you?”

“Kind of. I just feel that I can’t really feel anything sometimes.”

“Anything like what?”

“The emotional stuff. I feel attracted to you I do. And it feels good when we have sex but it’s like I’m not there.”

“Is that why you always shut your eyes?”

“I guess. It’s confusing me, having to settle. Being trans. Being me. It’s confusing.”

“Well I’m not confused about you. You are just like any other man. No less. But I hear you and you have to tell me what you want because if this isn’t working for you…”

“No. It’s not that—“

“What is it?”

“It’s me. Okay? It’s me.”

“Well, I’m with you. It’s us. Just tell me how you feel.”

I look away from you and take a deep breath, contemplating my thoughts. I shake my head and fill my cheeks with air.

“I mean…I wish you were more engaged with me. But I feel a lot when you fuck me. And…I want to be able to pleasure you the way you pleasure me.”

“Don’t you feel like something is missing when I fuck you”, I ask, “don’t you wish you could feel more?”

“I don’t feel like a real man.”

“You are.”

“I know. But I don’t feel that.”

“What do you feel?”

“I don’t know. I just…are you fucking someone else?”

“What?”

“Just tell me the truth.”

“Yes. Sometimes. When you’re gone and…I need someone.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know I needed to.”

We stare into each other eyes. Crickets sing outside of the motel window.

“You don’t think I would want to know if someone is fucking you other than me?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Does he have a penis?”

“Stop.”

“Tell me.”

“Yes. So what? He’s not you.”

“What are you telling me?”

“I’m telling you that I love you.”

“…Love…?

Fuck: III

You grip my hands on your breasts as you climax. My eyes run wild as I watch you shake and quiver with pleasure. You laugh as the waves rush onto the shores of your body. I giggle a little too as I try to steady my breathing. I grind myself with you as you come, hoping to intensify the orgasm. The seconds feel like minutes before you collapse onto my chest, heaving and chuckling.

“Thank you”, you whisper as your breath starts slowing.

I wrap my arms around your back and massage your spine. “Thank you”, I reply.

You prop your chin on my chest, smiling at me, looking into my eyes. “You held your orgasm for me didn’t you?”

“Its okay”, I kiss your forehead, “I wanted to. I was enjoying you.”

“I enjoyed you also, but I want you to come…if it’s okay with you of course. Can I taste you?”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive.” You grin at me and your eyes shimmer with passion. We kiss for a few moments before you begin to lick and suck patterns on my neck.

I close my eyes, and bite my lip. I massage the nape of your neck while you explore me.

“Your skin smells like lavender.”

I smile. “I wonder what it taste like.”

You bite your lip and give me that look you give before you are about to rock my world.

You kiss my chest and trail your tongue down my stomach until you settle yourself between my legs. My breath deepens and I spread myself open to give you space to get comfortable. I feel your tongue and I tense up involuntarily.

“Are you okay?” You ask me, peaking from between my legs.

“Yeah…yes…I’m alright.” I clear my throat and try to relax my body.

You begin tasting me again I clench my jaw. I look up at the ceiling and try not to think too much.