Fuck: VI

We both lay on our back, breathing heavily and staring up at the ceiling. A roach scatters across and we both chuckle.

“I’ll have some money in a few days. I’ll get us some place better to stay,” I say with a yawn. I turn my back to you and you cuddle up close to me. You place gentle kisses on my shoulders. And slide your hand up and down my arm slowly.

“I just want to be with you,” you whisper, “I don’t care where we stay.”

“Yeah, but you don’t deserve this. I want better for you, for us. I’m serious about you…you know that?”

“Are you?”

“Yes, woman. I care about you.” I reach over onto the night stand and cut the lamp off. I turn to face you.

“I care about you, too. Deeply. And honestly, I don’t want to have sex anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just want more for myself. I want a relationship. A real one. Not just sex, even though the sex is amazing with you. I want you to be my man and protect me.”

“You know I’ll always protect you.”

“Do you want to be with me?”

“Of course. I just don’t know if I’m good enough for you, I don’t have much…I mean look where we are.”

“Listen. I don’t care. I love you. I know you are smart and you will manifest everything you are working towards. I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait with you. Grad school is kicking my ass, but after I graduate I can’t just be a booty call with a degree—“

“Hey. You ain’t a booty call to me. It isn’t just about sex. Listen, I love making love to you, but if you want more I’ll try and give it to you.”

“I want you to want it.”

“I don’t know what I want. I know I want you, but life is hard for me. We’re very different in that sense.”

“I know.”

We kiss for a few moments. Our lips brushing against the other’s.

“I don’t have anything fancy, baby. I just…want to make sure that I can provide a life for you, for us that we actually want to live.”

“I don’t need all that stuff. This life is our life, together.”

“So what are you telling me?”

“I’m yours. I’m committed to you.”

The moonlight reflects into the room through the window curtain and glimmers the moisture in your eyes.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because. I can tell you want something else.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Tell me you are in love with me,” we kiss, “tell me you want to marry me.”

“I’m in love with you. If I had everything figured out I would marry you. But what about the other guys. And your fiancé?”

“What about them?”

“I want you to be mine. If you want me then it’s only me. Look, I don’t care if you want to get fucked by another man, but you’re my woman. I don’t want you in no relationship with somebody else.”

“I know…I’m sorry. I’ll need time with that. I have a life outside of us too. And I have to transition out of that. I don’t know how. I don’t know how…I thought—“

“Listen. Look at me.”

Our eyes meet into the solace of the darkness and your breath quivers.

“I’m not doing this with you,” I whisper, I don’t want to wait anymore. How do you think I feel that we have to sneak around like this?”

“We’re not sneaking—“

“Then take me to your place. Let me meet him.”

“No. Please, just—“

“No. Don’t tell me these things when you don’t mean it.”

“I do mean it. I do mea—“

“What do you want.”

“You. Only you.”